The 90 Wildest Florida Man Headlines of 2019 (So Far)

The Florida Man is a bit of an enigma. He is the frayed fabric of a worn tobacco ring in his left back pocket. He lives in the breeze that goes through your hair while doing donuts on an ATV. He is the slight echo in the air when someone says, “Hey, watch’is!” He is Florida, and Florida is him. Do not confuse him with your average male resident of Florida: Florida Man is a brand.

Every day there is a story that involves one of them shooting something or screaming incomprehensible babble in a Natural Light addled rage before getting arrested. And while we all may have a little bit of shame for our hometown stories, we can always rest assured that at least we aren’t from Florida, unless you are from Florida, in which case, we’re keeping you in our thoughts.

To honor the Florida Man, we have compiled a list of his most absurd headlines from this year. Granted, all of these should be treated as allegations. While we are treated to the idea that a Florida Man, say, exposed himself in the Walmart pillow aisle, we will not be treating it as if it’s fact. That is between the Good State of Florida and the Florida Man to decide. But allegations do not keep us from laughing to ourselves. So put in a lipper of Skoal and settle into the nearest papasan chair because we have some headlines to discuss.

This is the best of the Florida Man, 2019.

Jan. 1: Florida Man Shooting at Target in Backyard Hits Neighbor Sitting at Dining Room Table

Jan. 2: Florida Man Doesn’t Get Straw, Attacks McDonald’s Employee

Jan. 3: Florida Man Arrested at Mar-a-lago, Says He Came to Talk to Trump About ‘His $6.3 Trillion’

Jan.4: Florida Man Arrested After Hitting Dad with Pizza Because He Was Mad He Helped Birth Him

Jan. 5: Florida Man Killed Ex-Girlfriend While Trying to ‘Get Rid of the Devil’

Jan. 6: Florida Man Intentionally Drove Ferrari 360 Into Ocean At Top Speed

Jan. 7: Florida Man Denies Syringes Found in Rectum Are His

Jan. 8: Florida Man Arrested After Argument Over Cheesesteak

Jan. 9: Florida Man Accused of Burning Son to Teach Him Lesson About Fire

Jan. 10: Florida Man Allegedly Fooled Family Into Believing Murdered Wife Was Still Alive

Jan. 11: Florida Man Chews Up Police Car Seat After Cocaine Arrest

Jan. 12: Florida Driver Finds Boa Constrictor in His Car Engine

Jan. 13: Drunk, Shirtless Florida Man Harasses People in the Park

Jan. 14: Florida Man Threatens to Kill Man With ‘Kindness,’ Uses Machete Named ‘Kindness’

Jan. 15: Florida Man Causes Highway Crash, Steals Good Samaritan’s Truck Who Stopped To Help

Jan. 16: Florida Man Who Drove Ferrari Into Water Said, ‘Jesus Told Him To’

Jan. 17: Florida Man Accused of Luring Kids Tells Cops He Can’t Recall As He ‘Drinks 18-20 Beers’ Before Talking to Children

Jan. 18: Caught on Cam: Horses Chase Suspect in Florida

Jan. 19: Port Richey Man Accused Of Throwing Chair Across Steak ‘n Shake

Jan. 20: Man Vacationing in Florida Finds Hidden Cameras in His Airbnb

Jan. 21: Florida Man, Woman Run Over By Patrol Car While Lying in Road to Watch Eclipse

Jan. 22: Florida Man Caught Exposing Himself in Walmart Pillow Aisle

Jan. 23: North Florida Man Beat, Pepper Sprayed Mom Because ‘She Was a Narcissist’

Jan. 24: ‘Trump will handle it.’ Florida Man Has Warning After Harassing Iraqi Neighbors

Jan. 25: Florida Man Driving Unregistered ATV Ran Over Dog

Jan. 26: Florida Man Finds a WWII Grenade, Places It in His Truck, Drives to Taco Bell

Jan. 27: The WWII story was so good that it dominated headlines for a second day. This rare distinction is called “The Florida Spark.”

Jan. 28: Florida Man Learns Hard Way He Stole Laxatives, Not Opioids

Jan. 29: Florida Man Accused of Robbing Chinese Restaurant at Finger Point

Jan. 30: Florida Man Spent Weeks in Jail for Heroin That Was Actually Detergent

Jan. 31: Florida Man Thought He’d Do Donuts on the Airport Runway. Police Were Not Amused.

Feb. 1: A Man Actually Punted a Rabid Coyote in Kissimmee

Feb. 2: Man Stabbed in the Back at Gainesville Bar Over Remark on a Hat

Feb. 3: Wig Helps Lead to Arrest of Florida Man in 7-Eleven Robbery, Deputies Say

Feb. 4: Florida Man Attacked Sister, Bit Cop After Someone Touched His Cigar

Feb. 5: Florida Men Accused of Smearing Feces on Crunch Fitness Bathroom, Sauna

Feb. 6: Florida Man Tried to Run Over Son Because He Didn’t Want to Take a Bath

Feb. 7: Florida Man Dances Through DUI Sobriety Test

Feb. 8: Florida Man Gets Stuck to Prepped Drag Strip Surface at the GT-R World Cup

Feb. 9: Florida Woman’s Maternity Photo Includes Alligator, Shotgun, Bud Light

Feb. 10: A rare day of peace.

Feb. 11: Florida Man Recorded Himself Having Sex with Dog

Feb. 12: Florida Man Throws Burrito in Woman’s Face, Cops Say. And This Has Happened Before

Feb. 13: Florida Man Fights To Keep Last $809 After IRS Seizes Bogus $980,000 Tax Refund

Feb. 14: Florida Man Caught on Camera Licking Doorbell

Feb. 15: Florida Man Claiming People Were “Eating His Brains” Leads Police on Insane Golf Course Chase

Feb. 16: Man on Scooter Killed in Collision with Deer on U.S. 1 in Oak Hill

Feb. 17: Florida Man Charged After Pointing Laser at Helicopter

Feb. 18: Rattlesnake-carrying Florida Man Claims to be ‘Agent of God’

Feb. 19: Florida Man Throws Pizza Slice at Mom During Argument

Feb. 20: Florida Man Fights Coyote Off With Coffee Cup: ‘I smashed him’

Feb. 21: Florida Man Arrested with Cocaine-Stuffed Lunchables

Feb. 22: Florida Man Throws Toilet Through School Board Building Window in Illinois, Is Arrested Sitting on Another

Feb. 23: Florida Man Charged with Death of Grandma Found in Maggot-Infested Bed

Feb. 24: Another day of peace.

Feb. 25: Florida Man Arrested for Allegedly Throwing Cookie at Girlfriend

Feb. 26: Arrested Florida Couple Pleasure Each Other In Back Of Cop Car

Feb. 27: Florida Man Sprayed Other Inmates with Urine

Feb. 28: Florida Man Who Allegedly Threatened Family with Coldplay Lyrics Ends Standoff After SWAT Promises Him Pizza

Mar. 1: Florida House Speaker Apologizes for Referring to Pregnant Women as ‘Host Bodies’ in Interview on Abortion

Mar. 2: Florida Man Sentenced to 10 Days For Dragging Shark Behind Boat

Mar. 3: Florida Man Rescues Grandma Floating Away on Ice Throne

Mar. 4: Florida Man Arrested After Fight About Tupac Shakur

Mar. 5: Leaf-burning Florida Man Asks Cop ‘Did You Find All My Pot?’

Mar. 6: A Florida Man Actually Tried to Board a Flight to Orlando With a Fake Grenade

Mar. 7: Florida Man Goes Viral for Crushing Dance Routine to Post Malone Song

Mar. 8: Central Florida Man Broke Into Home, Fell Asleep on Couch While High on Meth

Mar. 9: Man Arrested After Fight Over Beachfront Wedding Pictures

Mar. 10: Florida Man Who Attacked McDonald’s Worker Over Straw Sentenced to Jail

Mar. 11: Florida Man Accused of Intentionally Pressure Washing His Neighbor

Mar. 12: Florida Man in Spider-Man Mask Steals Bottles From Liquor Store

Mar. 13: Drunk, Shirtless Florida Man Harasses People at the Park

Mar. 14: Milton Man Hit Pregnant Girlfriend With Bag of Tortilla Chips Over Baby’s Paternity

Mar. 15: Florida Man Finds Bright Green Iguana in Toilet, Calls 911

Mar. 16: Florida Man Breaks into Store, Flips off Security Camera

Mar. 17: Florida Man Who Burned Caged Cat, Fed it to Dogs Gets No Jail Time

Mar. 18: Florida Man Accused of Throwing Pancake Batter at Woman Arrested

Mar. 19: Florida Man Accused of Exposing Himself to Sammy’s Exotic Dancer

Mar. 20: Squirrel Attacks Florida Man, Rodent Was Raised by Neighbor

Mar. 21: Florida Man Shoved Woman Because He Wanted to Eat Egg Rolls in Her House

Mar. 22: Florida Man Googles Self to Find Out Which Florida Man He Is

Mar. 23: Trump Golfs with Kid Rock in Florida, One Day After Mueller Finishes Russia Probe [editor’s note: still counts]

Mar. 24: Florida Man Steals Hot Air Balloon From Indiana During Florida Man Challenge

Mar. 25: Florida Man Electrocuted Trying to Remove Bird From Power Line

Mar. 26: South Florida Man Calls Cops After Being Scammed Over Paid Sex

Mar. 27: Florida Man Calls 911 to Get Out of His Fast Food Shift, Cops Say

Mar. 28: A Florida Man’s Job Application Led to His Arrest in a 1998 Cold Case

Mar. 29: Florida Man Shoots and Kills Pet Zebra He Did Not Have a Permit For After Animal Escapes

Mar. 30: Florida Man Accused of Attacking Mom When She Wouldn’t Dress his Mannequin

Mar. 31: Florida Man Arrested For Stealing Nearly $6,000 Worth of Sunglasses

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